I guess what i can say is that i am in a better place then i was a month ago, two months ago, and three months ago. But honestly i still have no idea what i am doing with my life.At times i feel like things are finally going my way but then something comes that makes me think i have no idea what going on which honestly just really annoying. I miss that feel that everything is fine that i don't always have to smile to make it seem I'm happy. But i am still missing something that use to be important. i think i might be my since of belonging and meaning in my life. Art does not excite me the way it used to even reading comic books don't excite me anymore which i starting to scare me. That used to be my source of happiness but it slowly losing my interest and it the same with movies which terrifies me even more. Music finally is becoming a large part of my life like it used to be but at times, it does nothing for me too. Then there are the times that i want someone to hold me and love me and kiss me. To have someone that would want to make me happy and also me making that person happy as well. Not just a fuck buddy but something more, and long and stable. But people my age don't want that they want to have fun or if they want they want to put a ring on it. And honestly i am not ready for something like that. But i keep thinking i need to find myself and love before any one could love me. Which is tuff because i don't know how to love myself anymore. At times i wonder if i am worth loving my self. Am i worth feeling love from other people if at times i hate the skin i am in. Do i even like they way i look do i love myself. I keep asking myself this question that i can not seem to answer. Do deserve to be where i am or do i deserve better. Do i let linger feeling hinder me from reaching my goal. Why don't i just finish what i start instead of giving up half way when it gets hard. Why must i second guess myself and once i start doing that i freak myself out and just don't do that task at hand. Not even trying to make any attempt on the assignment at hand. WHAT FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. DO I DESERVE TO FEEL LOVE OF ANY SORT!

the boy

so this boy that i can seem to get out of my fucking head makes idk, i think i siqing my self out because i am making myself think nothing will happen because so far every time I'm suppose to hang out with a guy i like it always falls through so i really don't know how the feel or think.

PAIN II

So pat left the California, and now i all i want to do is cry my eyes out but sadly the tears won't come. I miss more than i thought i would, i wish i could have done more for my friend. The pain that he feels i wish i could take it from him but sadly he wont let me take that pain away from him. All i wanted was for us to become friends and as soon as we do. We have been pulled apart again, which kills me i know i should worry about myself but he is gone now so far away. I know that i can still reach him but at the same time he gone, no longer

PAIN

the feeling of falling is starting to kill me, always being awake and feeling this pain, is not something that i enjoy, all i want to do is cry, why do i feel like this when i am alone, at times i always feel alone, as if i am lieing to myself to save face, but why i am trying to save face if people have thoughts about me i doubt i can change now or even if i want to change it. But at the same the little bit happiness i feel i when i am close to someone hugging them holding some sort of contact with them, even thou at the moment i just want to be alone, and hide in a place where no one can find me. I black hole with no thoughts.

my chaotic day

It starts with a thought, that leads to another thought, that leads to another. To the point when your thinking about it all the time. And you hope that all you do is just think and not say it, but sadly those thoughts form into words to the, point to the words must be spoken. Out loud to anyone who would listen. To the point where you can not help and it because word vomit. That you wished you never uttered and go mock and ridiculed for it.